Reflections on becoming a mom

As I drove to work this morning, I was daydreaming about Ben...I was envisioning him as a teenager. In my daydream, he had dark, curly hair...slightly shaggy...similar to the hair Joel had while we were dating (I loved Joel's hair when it was longer!). I automatically imagined his looks to be a nice blend of Joel and I.

But, the looks don't matter. I started to wonder how Ben will view his parents. What will he think about us? Will he have any idea that while I was pregnant with him, I loved to listen to my music too loud (often hip hop/rap) while he wiggled inside (we won't mention that I also played with my blankie in my lap while listening to my rockin tunes). Will he know that his dad and I spent the first portion of our relationship going to parties and sharing a twin size dorm bed? I certainly don't plan on telling him THOSE details or about some of the other slightly naughty things I did in college.
It just made me think of the relationship between kids and parents...There is a whole part of a parent's life that the kid has nooo idea about. No matter now regretful or how many mistakes the parents have made, those experiences help make them into the wonderful (hopefully) parents they are! (P.S. I don't mean to imply that I regret anything I did in college. I absolutely do not and would do almost all of it all over again!)

While I don't plan to brag to Ben about the things I did, I guess the thing I want him to know is that we had fun and took chances and enjoyed our time. If he does hear stories about our college or see pictures of the fun we had, I don't want him to be completely surpised that we used to be so much fun! I don't want these two pictures to shock him. I don't want him to be surpised that his parents would have EVER been so much fun!

 I want that to be something that he just knows about Joel and I in general...but, um, in order for him to innately know that about us, that means I need to live my life like that. Currently, I absolutely do not feel like I live that way! Joel does a little more than me...but we can both put a little more effort into consiously living a little more freely and fun :)

I am so excited to welcome Ben into this world. No matter what he looks like or what his personality turns out to be, I am excited to exercise my creativity with him and learn again how to have fun and enjoy the moment.

Ben's room

My mom is amazing. She is doing all the bedding for Ben's room. I told her I wanted a jungle theme and sent her a general idea of the colors I wanted. Here is a picture of Ben's quilt in process. I LOVE IT!! She hand-designed the animals and is using lots of different textures to make the blankie interesting for Ben. The brown thing on the right is a trunk of a palm tree...leaves still to come. My mom always exceeds my expectations with everything she makes. I hesitate to give her any suggestions or ideas because I know her ideas are so much better than mine!!

Baby update

It's been more than two months since I posted about the baby, so here's a quick update. I'm 30 weeks pregnant and feeling pretty great! My crazy emotions are gone for the most part and my sickness has gone away completely. The only complaint I have now is that my lower back and hips/pelvis are sore and can't stand much walking...or sitting...or laying down! But, it's really not that bad. Today I took a bath in our new bathtub (we moved into our new house last weekend), and it felt so nice to let myself float and relax in the water!

I have gained some weight, but I don't feel like I've gained an enourmous amount. I am scared to be in front of a camera, but I really should take a few "belly" pictures for documentation of this whole thing! I don't notice any of the things I hear about like beautiful nails and thicker hair. I also don't have any cravings, other than my normal pizza and nachos...but I can't blame that on pregnancy!

At our 20 week ultrasound, Ben was measuring in the 99th percentile. My midwife used the word "huge" to describe him. They tested me for Gestational Diabetes (negative) and reviewed my two earlier ultrasounds to confirm that the due date wasn't off (it wasn't). So, they had me come back this week for another ultrasound to see how he was sizing up. Well, baby Ben is still a big boy! The ultrasound tech estimated his weight to be about 4.5 pounds, while the normal size for a baby at that age is almost 3 pounds! I was a little startled to hear that, but I'm feeling better now.

Now that we are settled into the new house, I am excited to start preparing for Ben's arrival! Joel painted his room a nice light green color and my mom has started on his bedding (Jungle theme). I can't wait till it's all put together!

That's all for now! Just wanted to jot down a few things for memory!

For some reason, I'm bothered when I tell people about Ben's size and they brush it off saying "oh, your due date is probably wrong" or "oh, he'll fine". I'm not overly concernced about his size, but I do worry a little bit that a big baby could cause additional birth complicatons. I just want to feel validated when it comes to my concerns with him...especially from people I'm somewhat close to.

Hello Baby!

I am 20 weeks this week. Officially halfway done with this pregnancy! The past few weeks have been gloomy, but I am starting to feel much better. I haven't gotten sick in about a week and my emotions seem to be MUCH more stable. So, on that note, I wanted to jot down a few happy things I have experienced this week with the baby.
For starters, I have started to feel excited about the baby. My mind is no longer completely consumed with anxiety, so I can focus on the little thing inside me :) Up until now, I haven't really felt pregnant (mentally). But now, it's actually starting to sink in and I feel pregnant, both physicall and mentally! It's such an amazing feeling! I can't describe it. I am starting to feel a connection with the baby and I feel love and protection towards it.

I have started talking to the baby when it moves around inside me....and I try to sing to it in the car. It's funny...I always thought I knew the lyrics to songs, but now that I'm TRYING to sing along, it's hard!! I can't even fully sing along to any of the Christmas songs! So, today I went through my ipod to find songs I knew. It included MmmmBop (Hansen), some Christian tunes, and Sound of Music. This baby will have well-rounded musical tastes :)

Last night, I felt the baby moving around, so I had Joel put his hand on my belly and he was able to feel it kick!! He was pretty freaked out about it, but he also thought it was really special(I think there might have been a few tears in his eyes). I find myself sitting in meetings smiling because I feel the baby flip flopping around. The movements are pretty faint most of the time, but sometimes it's CLEAR that there's something swimming around! Other times, it could easily be mistaken as my intestines chugging along.

This weekend, we had lots of fun. On Friday, we went to a Christmas Party for Joel's work. Those teachers are always pretty goofy, so that was fun. On Saturday, I was able to enjoy Christmas shopping and cooking, then we had a "Friends Christmas" with the Smiths and the Baileys (The Dahlhausers were sick). We had a really great time with them. For some reason, there was something extra fun and special about this weekend. And did I mention Kim and Lindsay are pregnant? Kim is due in a few weeks and Lindsay is due 12 weeks after me. On Sunday, we went to Everett to celebrate sweet Luke's 2nd birthday. It was nice to have such a fun, enjoyable weekend with so many people we care about.

One last update. Last night I had my first counseling appointment. It was pretty good. I realize that counseling takes time to make a difference, but she was able to give me a few simple tools that can help me relax when I'm having an anxiety attack. She also explained something that makes a lot of sense...she said that the logical half of my brain gets LOTS of action...I'm a very logical person, and my work is very logical. The creative side of my brain doesn't get used often AT ALL. As a result, the creative side tries to exercise itself by making up stories...and unfortunately, those stories cause LOTS of anxiety and fear! So, the tips she gave me involved ways to exercise both sides of my brain. I took it a step further last night and colored in a coloring book last night. I even used unconventional colors to color certain things to try to exercise the creative side of my brain. I'm excited to go back and we what else we discover. She's going to try hypnotizing me! Sounds interesting!

We find out on Thursday whether this little thumper is a girl or a boy!! I can now honestly say that I'm so excited!!

Memories

One of my favorite things to reminisce about is how Joel and I first met and the very first days/weeks/months of our relationship. It's kind of humorous. I reminisce about this alot while I'm driving home from work and it amazes me how I knew from the very beginning that there was something special about Joel and how each of us pursued each other at various times and we never gave up on each other.

How did we meet? Well, we lived on the same floor in the dorms and we had seen each other around. I didn't know his name...all I knew was that there was this cute guy who seemed to have a really cool energy about him (and I saw him many times playing Frisbee in the halls...I thought that was super hot). He had cool hair, exotic looking eyes, and a unique, casual, confident style. He certainly wasn't like any other guy I had ever seen. He also worked at the front desk of the dorm and did the mail. Little did I know that he thought I was cute (he remembers me walking by often in a specific pair of lounge pants and a "side pony". Apparently my ponytail was catywompus quite often?). He says he always hoped that I would come get my mail and packages when he was working. Again...this is all before we met and knew each others names! Days before I officially met him, I saw him at a party and asked him if his name was Thomas...that didn't make Joel feel too great (Turns out Thomas was the other guy that played frisbee with Joel in our dorm halls).

On January 7th, there was a party at the "soccer house" (a house where lots of soccer players lived). I happened to be friends with some of Joel's friends. Joel's friend, Mark, somehow was trying to get Joel a birthday kiss. My memory tells me that Mark asked Joel who he wanted a kiss from and Joel pointed me out in the crowd....Joel's memory tells him that Mark told all the girls in the house to kiss Joel...so who knows. Regardless, Joel didn't get any kisses out of the night, but somehow it got us talking. The memory is a bit fuzzy from here, but when it was time to go home, Joel asked if he could get a ride with me and my friends. I remember one of the sober friends drove us back to the dorms in my gold corolla....and I remember Alicia complimenting me on my petite ankles in the car. That's about all I remember from the car ride.

When we got back to the dorms, my friends were headed to their dorm building and Joel and I were supposed to head back to our dorm. I was too shy to walk back to the dorm with him, so I went back to my friends' building for a few minutes. When I went back to my dorm, I coincidentally ran into Joel in the stairwell (I found out years later that Joel had been watching for me out his window and when he saw me walking back to the dorm, he conveniently went to the communal kitchen to make some easy mac).

The next night was another party (the life of college) and Joel and I hung out together most of the night. We don't talk about this part of the memories as much, but I had been "hanging out" with another guy at the time I met Joel. AS SOON as I met Joel, I completely dropped that other guy. I remember trying to hang out with Joel at the party and this other guy was constantly trying to be by my side. Awkward. He got the hint a few days later...

Again, memories are fuzzy...but somehow we got each other's AIM screen names and started chatting on AIM (that was the big mode of communication back in the day). The first weeks of hanging out consisted of playing cards and Joel showing me card tricks. He also played the guitar a bit for me. In February, Joel and I went on a ski trip with some of our friends (that's worth a whole blog post of it's own).

The following months weren't exactly ideal as far as relationships go. Joel had never had a girlfriend before and he was increeeeedibly resistant to the idea. I don't know if he was shy or if he was afraid of commitment or WHAT! I remember going to parties with him and we would hang out together most of the night, but he would hardly say a single WORD! I got crazy mixed signals from that boy, but I just KNEW there was something super special about Joel that I was extremely drawn to!

A few months after we started dating, he started hanging out with a coworker from the YMCA. Technically, we weren't officially together...but it made me soooo upset that he was hanging out with this girl. I still don't know the full story about that...but she was Mormon so I'm not worried about it :) So, I went to California with some of my friends for Spring Break (Joel was invited and he declined). He wouldnt' answer my phone calls all week, so I met up with Taylor who happened to be in CA with his family...I decided I was going to give up on Joel.



Anyways, there are plenty of other ups and downs that aren't as humorous....I am just particularly fond of our first couple of months and have always wanted to write it down :) I don't want the memories to fade anymore than they already have. Things sure have changed since we first met, but I sure am thankful for our relationships and all we have been through together!

struggling

I am struggling, struggling, struggling right now. What am I struggling with? The only way I can describe it is extreme anxiety, but it's more than that. I'm struggling to keep a grip on my emotions and to not let the anxiety completely take over my mind and body. When I'm at home in the evening, it almost feels like a physical struggle to keep those emotions pushed down and out of the way (even though I only succeed in keeping them pushed down half-way...they still make me feel phsysically sick and hot and icky....but at least I can still somewhat function). Today I called and set up an appointment with a therapist/hypnotherapist for next week. In the meantime, I'm going to try to make a list of things I am looking forward to/things I'm thankful for/things that make me happy, etc....just to make myself focus on something happyish.

• My sweet little family. I know that Emma and Joel will be with me no matter what going on inside my head. They bring so much joy and sunshine to my life. LAst night, Joel was shaving his beard that he had grown for the entire month of November. As he was shaving it off, he was shaving it into goofy designs and acting all funny. Yes, his facial hair designs freaked me out, but I was so thankful for his goofiness.
• My sisters. I love that they can understand how I feel and they are 100% non-judgemental. I don't have to worry at all what they'll think about my ups and downs and craziness.
• My mama. I am thankful that I can call her everyday just to chat and be distracted from my thoughts.
• America's Funniest Videos. I'm watching reruns of the show right now. Anything to make me give half a smile :) Next I plan to look up funny videos on youtube or something.
• Work. I am thankful that I have my new job that's closer to home and that is on the career path that I'm interested in. I'm thankful for my supportive boss.
• Joel's parents. Kathy has gone through extreme anxiety before and she is very understanding. Joel's dad is a counselor and a pastor, so he is also great at listening and offering kind guidance.
• I am looking forward to this weekend in Yakima. It's always so relaxing when we go there. It's supposed to be sunny, so I'm looking forward to going on lots of walks, eating healthy food, playing with Emma outside, and laughing with the Starrs.
• I am looking forward to December 15th. Joel and I are both taking the day off and we get to go find out the gender of our baby!
• I am thankful for this pregnancy.
• I am looking forward to our Friends Christmas coming up in a week
• I am looking forward to getting together with my sisters and brother in laws for Luke's 2nd birthday. I still remember the days surrounding his birth quite clearly...

Well, that's all for now!

Oh to be Pregnant

There are a few things that have developed in the past few weeks that I want to jot down to remember about this pregnancy.

Emotions
Ooooooh, the emotions!! The icky icky anxiety has reduced, thank goodness. However, I have become more of a cry baby! I'm not going to write about every time I have cried, but this weekend has been especially funny, so I'll write about that. Today, I was cleaning up after lunch and BAM! I started sobbbbbbbbbbing. It was a full on, ugly sob. I cried and cried and cried....and cried and cried. Big heaving sobs. Poor Joel was trying hard not to laugh as I wiped my tears and mascara all over his shirt. I had absolutely no reason to cry....I couldn't even make up something to feel sad about about (Which I'm thankful for)! I felt a little more energized after my cry session was over. Then, a few hours later, I was reading a sweet blog post that had 50 tips for dads of daughters (http://www.fromdatestodiapers.com/50-rules-for-dads-of-daughters) . This brought on yet another huge sobbing spell. I was crying so hard, I actually thought I was going to hyperventilate....Sheeeeeeesh. But it sure does feel good to have these crying spells! Must be all the endorphins that are released!

Tiredness
I feel super lame for saying "I'm tired" so many times in a day. My goal tomorrow is to not talk about my tiredness at all until I get home from work. But, it's not tomorrow yet, so I'm gonna go ahead and explain. I've been getting about 9-10 hours of sleep per night....and I'm still exhausted. Normally on the weekends, I HATE sitting around. I am always wanting to get something done....well, the past few weekends, ALL I have done is sit around. This weekend, I was able to buy groceries, cook one simple meal and do the laundry....and that's it! The rest of the time was spent in bed or on the couch. I'm getting really tired of just sitting around (Although I am doing lots of research on cute baby items...bedding, cribs, diaper bags, etc). It's six p.m. right now and I'm seriously considering going to bed...Granted, I was in Kentucky all of last week, so I might still be adjusting to the 3 hour difference....

Naseau
The Naseau hasn't been too bad. I'm not naseaus all the time....it hits when my stomach is empty and then it really hits hard! I do get sick other times, but it uuuusually doesn't last too long. I am thankful for that....If I had to pick, I think I prefer the tiredness and emotions over naseau.

Boobs
Boobs are completely not sore anymore. At one point, I thought I was going to have to buy a bigger bra, but like I mentioned in my last post, they stopped being sore around week 7. So, for now, I'm saved from having to buy a bigger bra :)

Misc
I don't know that I'm showing yet....I think I can feel my lower abdomen swelling just a teeeeeny bit, but it's nothing that anyone can see. I can still wear my normal work pants, but I've given up on wearning my favorite jeans (they were getting a little tight before I got pregnant).  I'm not really sure if I've gained any weight. Right now, I'm at the top of my normal weight swing (I swing a few pounds up and down, and right now I'm consistently at the top of that range). I've been eating some pretty unhealthy food....so I hope that number doesn't creep up too fast in the near future!

Well, that's all I have to report for now! Despite my complaining, I am super happy to be providing a home for my sweet little Thumper :)