12 Weeks

My baby boy will be 12 weeks tomorrow. Sob. I'm sad that my maternity leave is 2/3 over, but I'm so happy that I will have more time at home with him. Frankly, I would be sad even if my maternity leave was an entire year! I'm thankful that I decided to take the full 18 weeks. This week would have been the time I would be going back to work had I not taken full advantage of the leave.

A few exciting things have happened the past few weeks. Ben has started talking differently. Before, he was very vocal all the time, but now it's more controlled ooos and aaahs in varying pitches. It's soooo darn cute! We've caught some of it on video. It makes me so happy to hear him talk away, especially since he's usually smiling so big when he's talking!

Last week, Ben also laughed for the first time. It was the sweetest sound I've ever heard. I was in the laundry room and Joel was playing with him on the couch. I heard it the first time he did it, so I came out in time to see him do it again. I cried a little :) He hasn't really laughed since then. He does a really happy sounding noise, but not a full on laugh. It's fun trying to find out what kind of things make him smile or make the happy noise.

Ben has also started to roll over from his back to his front in one direction. Yesterday was the first time that he managed to get all the way over his shoulder and into a full-on tummy time position. He likes tummy time a lot more when he's able to put himself there.

I've noticed that my feelings for Ben the last few weeks have grown even more.  I'm starting to see more of his unique personality and seeing him as his own little person. Lately, I feel more attached to him than ever...maybe it's because I've been thinking so much about going back to work. Whatever it is, I can't resist having him sleep in my arms. It's a bad habit...but I loooove nursing him to sleep and then letting him take his naps on my chest. I'm afraid I might be paying for it now, though...the last few nights he has slept horribly! I'm afraid I've spoiled him and he just wants to sleep with me. Oooops.

Lindsay and Adam had their little girl, Hailey, today!! They texted us the sweetest pciture of Lindsay and Hailey, but I haven't gotten any of the details yet. I'm excited to see the sweet little newborn! I was looking at Ben today as he was trying to hold himself in a sitting position. Sheesh, I hardly feel like I can call him a 'baby'. Obviously he's not a toddler, but it seems like there should be another term for these little ones who have grown and learned so much in their few short months!

Peace

The best morning. I'm laying in bed right now, with Ben sleeping peacefully on my chest. Everything is silent, except for the weather outside. There is a big thunder and lightening storm and the rain is pouring down. Our power went out, which means the fan and white noise machine that are on 24/7 are silent. Even Emma hasn't moved a muscle through the entire storm. I'm not normally one to think that the sound of rain is peaceful, but this morning I'm loving laying here in the silence with all my loves sleeping so soundly around me.

It's funny how fast things change. One day I'll feel like a less-than-perfect mom and the next day I'll feel great and full of energy. The other day I sent this email to Brenna:
"Hmmm, does this ever happen to you? Sometimes when I'm hanging out with Ben, I feel detached and disconnected. I just sit there and stare into space. I don't engage with him. When I do try , sometimes it feels forced or fake and I feel like he can tell. Lately, I just carry him around but don't do a lot to interact. I feel like a horrible mom. Joel is always so energetic and is always singing, playing, reading, etc.

I don't know if it's because I'm extremely tired or what (I got about four hours of sleep last night. The longest stretch was an hour and a half).

I love Ben so much, but I feel weird about my lack of interaction with him. He's taken three naps in my arms today and he sleeps on my chest every morning for 2-3 hours....so he's getting lots of mommy time...

Thoughts? I feel awful"

She emphatically assured me that it was totally normal (have I mentioned how great it is to have her going through this at the same time as me???). Yesterday I was feeling discouraged. Joel is sooo great with Ben and I was feeling less-than-great. I'm so happy Joel is so amazing, I just wish I was as amazing and had endless energy and patience like him.

Today is a new day and I'm feeling great. I have energy (could be that I just had my first cup of coffee!!!) and I feel confident in my mommy skills. I even successfully put Ben down for a nap after only five minutes of snuggling him!

I'm not having a pity party for myself or anything and I don't mean to make this sound like a big deal. I just want to document the ups and downs and the different feelings I have as I figure all of this out. I LOVE being a mommy and I love learning all of this with Joel. When i told Joel about my feelings about him being so great and me not-as-great, his response was that he's only so great because he's doing what I have taught him to do. Thanks sweetie :)

The picture is me right after I had the glorious coffee. It's also to document Mr. Drooly McGee. We've started having him wear a bib because he soaks his clothes in no time! And, of course, I like what his bib says :)

10 weeks

10 weeks, 15 pounds, 25.5 inches.

Things have gotten much easier this past week or two. Joel is home on summer break, which is amazing!!! I wish life was always like this. After a little adjustment period, we've gotten into a nice daily rhythm. We take turns getting up with Ben in the morning, although he's usually been sleeping in my chest for the past few hours, so I'm usually wide awake when Ben is ready to get up. But, it's still nice to have Joel take him so I can shower and eat in peace. Im trying not to take this time for granted. I know there won't be another time like this where Joel and I are off together with just Ben.

Today I was driving to the grocery store (by myself) and I was kind of thinking that Im starting to feel ready to go back to work. I'm not ready to leave Ben, but I kind of miss work. I wish there was some way I could have both... Having my job while never having to leave my sweet boy. Anyways, I'm starting to mentally prepare for going back, even though I still have a little more than a month and a half left.

So, what's new to report? Well, Ben has been napping better during the day. All his naps are still either in the car seat or in the front pouch. The good news is that 1) he is getting longer naps and 2) he will now sleep with me holding the front pouch instead of just Joel. Joel still does the majority of naps so that I can get stuff done around the house. He's not sleeping as great during the night. He hasn't had any of the 5-7 hour stretches that he was having a while back. Boooooo.

He continues to get better at sucking his hands. In fact, he sucks them quite a bit during the day. Still can't isolate any fingers though! He sure is cute when he does it!!

Now that he's getting enough sleep during the day, he's a pretty mellow guy. He isn't startled by noises or Emma barking. He has a few books that he loves to look at. We lay on the floor and read them over and over. Joel broke out his guitar and Ben seems to like that! Joel has also been singing 'bridge over troubled water' everytime they do tummy time. Ben sure loves all this time with Joel! He is so great with Ben. I feel like he's a better parent than me! But, I have to realize that we give Ben different things...

I can't believe how much he has grown and changed. When each week brings such big developments, it makes time FLY. My heart aches with so much love when I look at him, especially when he's quietly eating or sleeping in my arms. It still amazes me that he's ours.

P.S. the picture of Ben and Emma was taken in July second in Yakima. It was Emma's third bday and ben's 2 month bday :)

"It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship... It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no 'ordinary' people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations -- these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub and exploit... This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn. We must play. But our merriment must be of that kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously -- no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption. And our charity must be a real and costly love, with deep feeling for the sins in spite of which we love the sinner -- no mere tolerance or indulgence which parodies love as flippancy parodies merriment." --C. S. Lewis, From The Weight of Glory.

My sister posted this quote by C.S. Lewis on her blog. She was using it to help describe something else... But it served as a good reminder for me. I wish I lived my life this way. I wish I was less judgmental and more gracious with people I meet. I wish I could say I try to live this way, but I'm so far from it that to use the word 'try' would imply that I succeed sometimes.

Reading this quote, I think of my grandparents, my mom, and my little sisters. While not perfect, I think they do a good job of living like this. How come I didn't inherit that trait?? They make fast friends with allllll types of people everywhere and are quick to see the good in people...slooooow to see the 'negatives'. I put 'negatives' in quotes because I don't think these family members would call them negatives....I think they just see these traits as unique characteristics to love about that person. I hope that I can someday be as accepting, open and loving as my grandparents, mom and little sisters to all the people in my life...both strangers and non-strangers... Because every person is a precious soul.