Energy

I got to thinking earlier this week...after eating Pizza one night and then being totally lazy and vegging on the couch...then walking upstairs to our DISASTER of a bathroom (it was hilariously disastrous. I almost took a picture to send to people in case they ever have the crazy idea that we always keep our house clean...). I wondered why I often feel so UNENERGIZED. I continued thinking about it on my way to work the next morning. My brain went off on a little tangent and I started thinking about a girl's weekend for Brenna, Chauncy and I. I was daydreaming and thought that the ideal weekend was a getaway to a little cabin in the woods where we could enjoy the outdoors, the quiet, being around each other and go for some hikes. I also thought that it would be awesome if we could eat totally healthy, fresh meals and throw in a little yoga while we were at it. Aaaaaah, sounds dreamy.

As I was daydreaming about this getaway, I realized that what I was really doing was thinking of things that ENERGIZE me and putting them all together in a weekend. So, I jotted down a quick list of things that energize me. It took me about 30 seconds to jot down the first ten things. The next few things on the list came to mind as I thought about it for a few minutes. Here is that list:

• Cleaning
• Purging
• Eating Fresh Food
• Being Outside
• Helping Others
• Physical Activity
• Creating Order
• Worship (when it is real, genuine, true...)
• Reflection
• Connecting with others on a deeper level
• Creating things
• Working with my hands
• Dreaming, hoping, planning
• Laughing
• Gardening/Yard Work

(I thought it was funny that Cleaning and Purging were first on the list)

After making this list, I thought about the things I spend my time on. I spend my time on the complete opposite of this list (sitting at work, laying around on the couch, playing on my phone...). I do absolutely NONE of the energizing things on a daily basis. I could go days without doing more than maybe one thing that energizes me...and usually that one thing is reflecting or daydreaming in the car on my way to work. No wonder I feel so unenergized!!! I spend 99.9% of my time on things that either waste or drain my energy and I do absolutely nothing to restore it. This all sounds obvious, but it was a total lightbulb moment for me. 

That day at work, I immediately set out to do a few tiny things that give me an ounce of energy. As the list said, I enjoy creating order and cleaning...so I cleaned up my desk. Another thing is helping people. Joel and I love helping people with their yard work and with house stuff. I have a coworker who just bought her first house all by herself. I had been feeling genuinely excited to help her paint or clean or do yard work...but I never said anything because most people brush off offers to help. But, feeling newly inspired, I talked to her that day and told her I was 100% serious that Joel and I really want to help her with something once she gets moved in. When we were at my Dad's for Thanksgiving, I got the urge to landscape his yard (it was pretty ragged). So, We all jumped in and cleaned his yard up in no time. It felt so good!! 

I often feel misunderstood by people. The words that come out of my mouth do not reflect what's going on in my head most of the time. I try to be more true to myself by sharing what I feel and think, but it feels impossible 99.9% of the time. I have lots of insecurities that keep most of "Me" up in my head and it never comes out. 

I still haven't decided whether to post this blog post or not and have been debating with myself for days about it. All my other blog posts are purely for my own memory-keeping...but if I post this, it's because I want the few people who read my blog to read this....So if you're reading it, I obviously decided to post it. This is one attempt at showing genuineness. 

20 Months - Benjamin

The last several weeks with Ben have been a little challenging for me. Where do I start.  If I'm honest, it's not much fun hanging out with him lately. I come home after work and for the entire evening, practically all I hear from him is "no mama", little tantrums and begging to watch Hot Dog Mouse or Choo Choo Train. I feel like in return, I'm saying "no" to him all evening long! No, don't hit...No, we can't watch TV...No, you can't eat Graham Crackers for dinner....No, you can't climb the 20 foot ladder all the way to the top...and every time we say no, he throws a little fit.  If I try to help him or play with him, he almost always says "no mama".. Generally, he doesn't want me to play games with him, look at him, kiss him, put him to bed, make his food...nothing. He wants Joel to do it all....And it starts to hurt my feelings after a while! We have our moments where he'll let me read, but it feels like the majority of the time, he resists me and just wants dad to do everything. His sweet self is still totally there as long as no one (especially me) is interfering with his "flow".
I know all of this is actually good...strong willed people are a good thing! He has such strong ideas of how things should happen or what things are (If he decides something is green, he cannot be argued with ...even if it's really red). He is so so so strongly independent and wants to do everything himself. So, we just let him know that if he needs help, he just needs to ask. If he asks for help, he's totally cooperative, but if we try to "help" before he wants it, we have a total meltdown. I'm glad though...I don't want to be the type of parent to do everything for my kid, so he helps me realize that he's capable of more than I think...and even when he's not fully capable, the best thing for him is to give it a try.

To add to the fun last week, we had about a week of REALLY rough bedtimes. It was taking an hour or more of SCREAMING and hysterical crying before he would go to sleep for nap and bedtime. We finally figured out that he didn't want a sheet on his bed?? As soon as we took the sheet off, he went to bed immediately and has gone to bed perfectly fine since. After he went to sleep, I snuck in and put a blanket under him. Nope, he wasn't having it. He woke up at midnight and said "no banket!" and dumped it over the side of his crib! I wish I knew what he was thinking (other than the obvious: I don't want a sheet on my bed!)

Now, all that being said, I do want to write down a few of his sweet things. He's been getting good at saying "thank you" and "no thank you". Over Christmas break, we really worked on those, as well as "please". So, whenever we give him food or anything, really, he sweetly says "dane dou, mom". We started teaching "no thank you" so that he would have something else to say other than "NO!!!!!*Screaming, stomping and throwing self on floor*"....so that's helping a little. He's also started the classic toddler habit of wanting things repeated over and over and over (he says "'gain").

Here are a few more things I want to remember:

• Row Row Your Boat - he loves to scream during the "If you see a Crocodile" part. This is how he sings it: Woah, Woah, Boat...steam..Woah Woah Boat...cocdile......Aaaaah!!!
• My favorite game is when I'm sitting on the floor and he runs at me from across the house and tackles me and we rock back together. We do this over and over. It's the closest thing i'm getting to a hug lately :)
• He still REALLY Loves going for walks. We go for a walk every afternoon, even in the rain. He knows he has to wear his hat and mittens. On weekends, we usually go for two walks per day. He likes to run while holding Emma's leash. 
• We have little conversations with him. We'll say "guess what" and he says "what" in response. Or, we'll be talking to him or asking him questions and he says "yup" or "yeaaa" in a very conversational sort of tone. Yesterday, Joel gave Ben the phone and we chatted while I was on my way home from work. He told me about watching Daniel Tiger and how DT was scared of a shadow...then he told me it was raining...I asked how his day was and he said "dood (good)". I said I'd see him in a few minutes and he said "bye bye mama"....just little exchanges like that...
• "Uh oh, Happen?" Whenever anything happens...whether he drops something, or falls or something isn't working the way he thinks it should, he says "uh oh, happen?" in the sweetest voice. 
• Ben's song. This one is a mystery. He tells us he wants to sing "Ben's Song". We try to sing various songs, but they're all wrong, so he sings and lists out the family members. I'm not sure if he's making a song up or if they sing a song at Karen's about family members. 
• He weighs 31 pounds right now, for the record.  

One last thing that I want to mention, although I probably don't have the words to describe it...and that is the relationship between Joel and Ben. First off, Joel's patience with Ben is literally endless. Joel spends more time with Ben than I do. He wakes Ben up and gets him ready and takes him to daycare...and picks him up from daycare (until sports start again at the end of January). Joel never seems to tire or run out of energy for playing with Ben. He is always "on" around Ben and fully connects with Ben. Even though it's hard that Ben is kind of Anti-Mom lately, it makes me happy to see those two connecting and playing and loving each other so much. Joel and I met 10 years ago this week....It makes me laugh out loud to think about the Joel I knew then (uh, TOTALLY different)...Never in a million years would I have imagined him to be such a good dad! 

He's trying to put pants on...When I tried to tell him it was a shirt, he wouldn't hear it.

He loves to play in the sink while Joel does dishes. 

Reading. Always Reading.

You can tell from his stance that he just discovered that warm water feels good down there :)