struggling

I am struggling, struggling, struggling right now. What am I struggling with? The only way I can describe it is extreme anxiety, but it's more than that. I'm struggling to keep a grip on my emotions and to not let the anxiety completely take over my mind and body. When I'm at home in the evening, it almost feels like a physical struggle to keep those emotions pushed down and out of the way (even though I only succeed in keeping them pushed down half-way...they still make me feel phsysically sick and hot and icky....but at least I can still somewhat function). Today I called and set up an appointment with a therapist/hypnotherapist for next week. In the meantime, I'm going to try to make a list of things I am looking forward to/things I'm thankful for/things that make me happy, etc....just to make myself focus on something happyish.

• My sweet little family. I know that Emma and Joel will be with me no matter what going on inside my head. They bring so much joy and sunshine to my life. LAst night, Joel was shaving his beard that he had grown for the entire month of November. As he was shaving it off, he was shaving it into goofy designs and acting all funny. Yes, his facial hair designs freaked me out, but I was so thankful for his goofiness.
• My sisters. I love that they can understand how I feel and they are 100% non-judgemental. I don't have to worry at all what they'll think about my ups and downs and craziness.
• My mama. I am thankful that I can call her everyday just to chat and be distracted from my thoughts.
• America's Funniest Videos. I'm watching reruns of the show right now. Anything to make me give half a smile :) Next I plan to look up funny videos on youtube or something.
• Work. I am thankful that I have my new job that's closer to home and that is on the career path that I'm interested in. I'm thankful for my supportive boss.
• Joel's parents. Kathy has gone through extreme anxiety before and she is very understanding. Joel's dad is a counselor and a pastor, so he is also great at listening and offering kind guidance.
• I am looking forward to this weekend in Yakima. It's always so relaxing when we go there. It's supposed to be sunny, so I'm looking forward to going on lots of walks, eating healthy food, playing with Emma outside, and laughing with the Starrs.
• I am looking forward to December 15th. Joel and I are both taking the day off and we get to go find out the gender of our baby!
• I am thankful for this pregnancy.
• I am looking forward to our Friends Christmas coming up in a week
• I am looking forward to getting together with my sisters and brother in laws for Luke's 2nd birthday. I still remember the days surrounding his birth quite clearly...

Well, that's all for now!