Elaina's first few days

I've been keeping notes in a notebook over the last week and a half. After Owen was born, Chauncy kept asking me questions about recovery and newborns, which made me realize how much I had forgotten about the first few weeks with Ben. So, this time around I wanted to record how I was feeling, etc.

9/6/15
We came home late last night after baby sister finally went pee. This morning, Ben has a cold. Figures!

Ben was holding baby sister this morning. The first two things he said were "Is she going to toot on me?" and then a few moments later "awwwwwww, I yuv you!". Those two comments truly show what his thoughts are :) He also gushed about how tiny her hands were. He kept trying so hard not to cough on her.

I'm feeling great. Just a little soreness and a little tired, but otherwise great! I love that I can eat as normal and get around just fine.

Mom stayed the night last night to help take care of Ben. This morning, the Bailey's came over to meet baby sister, and then Chauncy, Alan and Owen came for a visit. The Starr's came later in the afternoon. We finally decided to name her Elaina Jane Starr. Grandma Ami and Grandpa Dave were visiting Grandma Edna, so I called them to tell them what her name was. I cried when I told them, as did Grandma Ami. Grandma Edna couldn't quite figure out the phone, but I know Grandma and Grandpa will make sure she understands the significance of Elaina's name. They were the first to officially hear Elaina's name.

9/9/15
We took Elaina to the doctor today. The little miss did great. She's 97th and 98th percentile for height and head, and 90th percentile for weight.

I love Elaina's dark, soft hair. She has so much of it! She is so relaxed and calm. So far, she sleeps so much. Her periods of wakefulness are during the day. She just looks around so calmly and quietly. Soooo far, there's no crying that we can't explain or console right away. What a difference this baby is!!

My nipples are very sore. I love feeding her, aside from the pain. My recovery otherwise..."down there" is still pretty sore and swollen, but I've stopped taking Ibuprofen. The only other complain is my back. It's very tired from holding up my very huge boobs and the baby, and my core muscles feel non-existent after the pregnancy. Otherwise, I feel good...just a little tired and a teensy bit of anxiety, mainly about the general safety of my precious children. Having a newborn makes me feel more vulnerable, which I think is a pretty natural feeling.

Ben...I feel bad for Ben. Poor guy had a cold the moment we came home from the hospital, so I felt like we treated him like a leper. Bill and Kathy are here, but I think his energy is a little too much for them. Last night, I was able to put him to bed and give him some one-on-one time. This morning, Joel and I both got him ready just like normal while Elaina was sleeping. I want to be careful to give him lots of love and to be sure not to treat him like he's "bad" when he accidentally loves Elaina too hard or that he has to change all kinds of stuff because of baby sister. He's such a sweetie. He gushes about how tiny she is or about her tiny fingers. He talks to her in a verrrry loving, gentle, gushing voice. I love my babies!!!!

9/15/15
Today was Ben's first day of Preschool. Last night, Ben asked if we were going to drop him off at daycare. When we said yes, he said "What?! But I'm too small!!". Joel had to go to work for a meeting, so I whisked the kids off in the van and we got there just as Ben's class was lining up to walk into the classroom. Ben wasn't allowed to bring Tucker, which I was really nervous about. But he was so brave! His sweet body language told me he was nervous, but there were no tears. Afterwards, he was so excited and had so much fun! The emotions of seeing my big guy starting preschool, plus the emotions of Grandma Edna made for an emotional day today! But, they were all good emotions. While Ben was in school. Elaina and I ran some errands. My sweet girl. She cried a bit in Target, so I took her out of her carseat and held her. She settled right down. I enjoyed my snuggle time with her in the store.

Ben is loving his sister more and more. Today, she was falling asleep in her swing, and he stood by the swing and sang her a song he made up. He just gently sang and sang while he rocked the swing, touched her head and gave her hugs. He loves to hold her and especially loves it when she roots around on his neck and shoulders. He thinks she's giving him kisses. The other night, he was holding her and told her all about the ninja turtles and what cereals she could eat when she gets older. He's so focused on her when he's talking to her. I wish I could bottle up the love and remember it forever. 

Great Grandma Edna

Today, I'm feeling lots of emotions. Yesterday, we learned that Great Grandma Edna passed away. My mom said that her last words, repeated over and over, were Elaina Jane. We named Elaina after Grandma Edna's sister, Elaine. Jane is my Grandma Ami's middle name. Elaine was partially paralyzed due to Scarlett Fever and Polio. Yet, that never slowed her down. She led an incredibly adventurous life and was an amazing artist. My whole life, I've always heard stories about Elaine and Grandma Edna always had so much love and respect for her sister. I'm glad we were able to tell Grandma Edna about Elaina's name before she passed away. Looking at my baby girl this morning, I was thinking of all the potential in her little body. She has the potential to be an amazing woman, just like her Great, Great Grandma Edna and Great, Great, (Great?) Aunt Elaine (and the other women in our family!).

I've also been thinking a lot about the impact that Grandma Edna has had on our entire family. When I look at the admirable traits that were so strong in her, I see those traits passed down to my grandparents, my mom and my aunts and uncles. It's a very strong legacy. I don't even know what traits are the most valuable and how to limit what to write about right now. But, I for sure have been influenced by her childlike curiosity about the world, her attention to detail and her ability to see beauty in everything (One such example...she took a picture once of some flowers (weeds) growing through a crack in the cement...and she marveled at how something so beautiful can grow from something so hard and ugly). After she divorced my great grandpa, she traveled around the world as a cook on ships and a private yacht (mom, can you correct me if I'm wrong?). She made friends all over the world and was completely blind to race, class, or social standing. She truly loved hearing everyone's unique stories and loved learning from them. Everything and everyone was absolutely fascinating to my Grandma. How does one not lose that sense of fascination after almost 100 years on this earth?? I remember last time I saw her, she was telling us how she befriended some men she worked with. They were dirty and scraggly and no one else wanted to associate with them, but my grandma found them to be so fascinating. I think these are the guys who gave her the beautiful marijuana plant. About two years ago, she told Joel and I that she tried marijuana several times, but she found she didn't need it because she already saw the world in such vivid detail. I could write pages and pages about her.

So, today, I am doing a lot of reflecting on my Grandma and my entire family. I'm thankful for her influence and I'm thankful that she infused her outlook on life into the members of my family so that my kids can grow up knowing the same curiosity of the world, open mindedness, and acceptance of others. I have a LONG way to go to give my kids even a sliver of those values, but it's something I think about often and want to improve on.

Elaina Jane's Birth Story

Elaina Jane was born on Friday, September 4, 9:34 pm. She weighed 9 lbs, 2 oz and measured 19 inches long. The post below is a combo of notes I took at home as well as some
I wrote during the night after she was born (there was no way I could sleep after that!!). As I put this all on the blog, it's been a week since she was born and I desperately want to remember her birth!! The intensity of it and the way I handled it, and the way I felt after she was born...my words don't do it justice, but it's the best I can do!

On Thursday evening, around 9:30 pm, I started to have uncomfortable contractions. Joel was at a friends house, so I texted him and told him that he might want to come home and get some sleep since this might be his last chance! The contractions continued all night long but never really got any closer together. Around midnight, I took a bath and took some Tylenol. I was able to get a little bit of sleep after that. The next morning (Friday), I had Joel go to work and Ben went to the Taylor's. I took another bath, ate food, stretched, tried to rest and just did whatever felt good. Throughout the day, I kind of stopped timing the contractions because I knew they weren't consistent and some weren't as intense as others. Around 2:00, I was texting with Sara and Brenna and Chauncy and said I wanted to go get a cheeseburger...but at that same time, contractions started to be more consistent and uncomfortable so no cheeseburger for me! In my notes, I say I took a long shower and noted some tightness in my back. I was starting to feel quivery in my arms and that my focus was changing.

Probably around 3:30, I laid down for a bit, and that's when Joel and Ben came home. Ben wanted to stay with me in bed. Then I got in the bath. After a while, Ben wanted to join me in the tub. I let him and he would pour water on my back during my contractions, which felt really good. When I told him I was having a contraction, he would quietly sit and wait for it to be over. Normally Ben loves playing with Joel, but that afternoon, Joel couldn't do anything to get Ben to leave me. 

At this time, I was still debating whether it was time to go to the hospital. The intervals were quickly dropping, but right up until I actually made the decision to go to the hospital, I still wasn't sure if this was really labor. I was in the tub and called Julie and told her we were heading to the hospital. I was nervous to get out of the tub because 1) the water helped things feel better and 2) I was scared that I would start the terrible shakes as soon as I was out of the water. Mom got to the house and we left IMMEDIATELY. I said to Joel "I hope we didn't leave too late" and wondered if that was foreshadowing what was to come. The drive was not fun because sitting was excruciating, especially during contractions. The drive to the hospital was a little over half an hour.

We got to the hospital at 6:30 pm and my contractions were almost right on top of each other. I'm sure I was quite the show for the people in the waiting room. I had several contractions just walking in the door, then several more as we checked in and waited for the nurses to take me to L&D. Our doula met us in the waiting room. We skipped triage and they checked me right into a room. One nurse checked me and said I was a 9 but another nurse said I was an 8. Who cares. I said I wanted an epidural asap but the whole room was really encouraging me not to. Since I was so close, they didn't think it would provide the relief I thought it would and they thought it would slow things down and end up making me push longer. I was incapable of making decisions, so instead of deciding, I just labored away, standing while leaning over the side of the bed. In my head, I kept thinking that I KNOW I could do it, but I was very worried that I would end up pushing for three hours and the thought of three more hours in pain was NOT APPEALING (turns out it was 3 more hours of pain...but only 1.5 hrs of that was pushing).

We checked in right at shift change and I'm soooo thankful we did. The midwife that was just getting off was way too soft for me. She kept trying to gently hold my hands and tell me lovey, beautiful things. Don't touch me, lady!! We didn't have good chemistry. But I loved the team that came on as soon as we got there!!!! Midwife was Sylvia? And nurse was Amy. Plus my doula Julie. Baby nurse was also named Sylvia, I think.

At some point they made me get back in bed to check me ( I was starting to really need to push). Uuuugh I did nottttt want to lay in bed. But somehow I made it. The details are a little fuzzy but soon after laying down, my water BURST. It felt really good! Then the pushing really started. Again details are fuzzy. I pushed for an hour and a half. I said a few times that I really didn't know how she was going to come out. I had just watched Chauncy pushing a few weeks ago and her nurses were telling her the exact same things they told me...and Owen didn't come out. So I was sure the nurses were just telling me the same, generic encouraging things without actually meaning it.

The "pain" is so interesting to describe. The pressure was Sooo intense and the contractions themselves were very painful (although I hesitate to use the word pain because it's unlike any other pain I've felt). But pushing through the contractions made the pain more bearable. I felt a small amount of burning, but the actual squeezing the baby out of my body didn't hurt neaaaaarly like I thought it would. It was the contractions that hurt!! Even when she actually came out, I didn't feel the huge rush or relief I've heard about. I was IN SHOCK that I had just pushed her out. Whaaaaat????? I've never ever imagined that I would ever give birth without an epidural. I didn't even WANT to. Pain?? Noooo thank you. And here she was, just a few short hours after real labor started!! The midwife and nurses kept telling me not to be afraid of the pain of pushing, and I kept telling them "I'm not!! I don't really feel any pain!"  They were surprised to hear that. What I meant is that I didn't feel pain of her stretching me or anything. Again, it was just the inteeeense pressure of the contractions that were painful.

Her coming out was kind of a blur. I have a quick flash of a memory of feeling flailing arms and legs, and I vaguely remember someone saying she would be here after one more push or something like that. As soon as she was out, they laid her on me, skin to skin and she just lay there totally content for an hour before she started showing signs of wanting to eat. Her cord was really short, but they let it stop pulsing before they cut it. I had a 2nd degree tear that they had to sew up. The stiches weren't fun, but I had a new baby on my chest and I was thrilllllled that labor was over!!

Right now, down there is just really really sore. But other than that, I feel great! Lots of adrenaline and I had the shakes really bad after I delivered her, but those went away fairly quickly (it's 4:15 am as I write this and i still can't fall asleep...almost 7 hours after she was born). Julie stayed with us for at least an hour or so after the birth and it was fun to chat and debrief that whole time with her and Joel and the nurses. It was a happy, relaxed, friendly environment.

I had a few coping mechanisms. For the contractions, I found that shaking my head back and forth really helped. I kept thinking about Ben and how he's comforted by banging his head. When I was shaking my head, I focused on the way the sounds around me changed as my head moved and I wondered if that's what Ben likes about banging his head. I felt like I learned something from him to cope with my labor. The ice cold wash cloths were a lifesaver too. Also, NOT laying in bed or sitting made things WAY more bearable. Sitting in the car and the bed were sooooo uncomfy!!! I did almost all my pushing on my back, but before that, contractions laying down were unbearable!! Leaning against the bed with my stomach hanging down allowed me to toootttalllly relax between contractions. Sometimes I even felt almost relaxed enough to go to sleep!

I also HAD to keep calm and focused and totally relaxed. There was really no other option. If I had let the pain take control, it would have been total chaos and I legitimately would have been acting like a lunatic. There's noooo waaayyyy I could have done it without total calm and relaxation. Every time a contraction would come, I would shake my head but otherwise totally relax. It wasn't until the very end that I had to moan or yell, but even that wasn't helpful....it was more helpful to relax. I have to brag....the nurses and midwives and my doula could not believe how focused and calm I was. For the calmness, I feel like i was channeling my inner Brenna. She had preached to me so many times the importance of staying relaxed during labor. I had her in mind much of the time. If I didn't know Brenna had done it, I'm not sure my success wouldn't have been as good.

Goodness. I can't list all the ways this birth was different from Ben's birth. There's nothing wrong with Ben's birth at all and I have zeeerrrooooo regrets about how that happened. But this one sure has wayyyyy more positives to it (physically). Wooooweeeeee!! For starters, I ate a sandwich very soon after I gave birth. I think she was still on my chest when I ate the sandwich.