Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Three weeks (updated)
Happy Three weeks to our sweet Benjamin. How did I get so lucky? I stare at him and am consumed with his preciousness. All I can say is "He is so cute"! But it's more than just cuteness. I can't wrap my head and heart around the preciousness of his little soul. Last weekend I had a very emotional day. Among other things, I was upset because I'm never sure what exactly Ben needs. Is he getting enough to eat? Am I giving him everything he wants and needs? He is so perfect and I want to be perfect for him (And for my dear husband). But, obviously, I am faaaaaarrrr from perfect.
Last night, I decided that I wanted to start to get Ben to eat full meals instead of snacking all day long everytime he fusses. So, we woke up and he had a good meal. Then, I kept him occupied for two hours before feeding him again. As I layed in bed, I also thought about how to get him to take naps and improve his sleeping habits. He likes to fall asleep while nursing and then nap on my chest. I was scared that I was setting bad habits and I want him to be able to fall asleep on his own. So, last night, I decided I would first try to improve his eating habits and then we'd work on his napping/sleeping habits. Today, after he ate, he was still awake. I put him in his swing and he fell asleep on his own!! Before, he never really liked his swing. MAybe I was just always putting him in the swing at the wrong time. Today, he was fed and had a clean diaper when I put him in. This makes me sooo happy! I'm teerrrrrified of having to do the dreaded "sleep training", so I have a glimmer of hope that maybe we can figure something else out and we can set good sleeping habits early. I am FULLY aware that in a day or two or in a few weeks, I may be eating my words....But, I am just writing about what is happening right now :) I'm not making any predictions of how long this will last.
At Ben's doctor appt this week, he weighed 10 lbs, 11oz. That's a full 15 oz more than he weighed at his appt 6 days before!! The doctor had been concerned that he hadn't gotten back to his birth weight at his 2 week appt, so I started pumping to supplement. Joel would feed Ben 1 oz each night before bed. I don't think the bottle is what made him gain ALL that weight. I think my milk has been coming in (letting down?) faster, so that probably contributed to the weight gain as well.
We have good days and we have not-so-good days...but so far, the good days outnumber the not-so-good days. I can tell that he is becoming calmer. For example, he no longer screams everytime we change his diaper. In fact, the other day he enjoyed having his diaper off for an extended period of time. He cries much, much less than he did before and has long stretches where he is awake and content to stare out the window. I'm learning more about him all the time, even though I can't pinpoint exactly what I'm learning...it's just like a dance...we're just learning how to move and function together. I LOVE IT!! My heart is so overfilled with Love and Thankfullness for my little guy!
I want to mention my sweet husband. I am also filled with gratitude and love for him. He wakes up to change Ben's diapers in the middle of the night without a single grumble. He has totally picked up all the household chores that I normally do. It was a totally seamless transition (as far as chores, etc go). I never had to ask Joel to pick up the slack...he just comes home from work and cleans, cooks and does laundry...along with anything else I ask him to do. Today, I found a to-do list on Joel's night stand. It included:
-Jesus Loves You song for Ben
- Bible stories for Ben
-Bible Lulabys to sing to ben
-Mathe West Safe and Sound
-Lose My Soul Toby Mac
- Sanctus Real Lead Me
I started crying as soon as I saw this list. I love this little piece of evidence of what is going on in Joel's mind.
That's all for now! So much has happened and changed in three short weeks! I can't believe it's been three weeks. The days, nights and weeks are FLYING by!! It's so cliche, but so true!
Friday, May 18, 2012
Welcome, Benjamin!
Benjamin Grier Starr was born on May 2nd at 3:04 am. He weighed 10 pounds, 4 oz and they measured his length at 21 1/2 inches (although it was probably longer than that). I wanted to take some time to write down what I remember about his birth. It's only been two weeks and the memory is starting to fade!
My labor started on April 30th, around 1:30 in the morning. There was no warning...I was just woken up by oh-so-painful contractions. They started out 30 minutes apart and stayed that way for quite some time. It's interesting...the pain of contractions is unlike any other pain. Before labor started, I wondered if they would feel like extreme period cramps? A charlie Horse? I had no idea. It's impossible to describe what the pain feels like. But, as soon as they started, I knew! I layed in bed, trying to sleep in between contractions. When the contractions hit, I writhed around in bed and curled my toes...I tried my hardest to remember to breathe and relax. Whew. Not easy. I let Joel sleep.
That morning, I was still having contractions, but they were still 30 minutes apart. I had Joel go to work...I still wasn't sure if this was a false alarm since they weren't getting any closer together. Contractions continued all day. They gradually got closer. By that night, they were 10-15 minutes apart. I think Joel and I went for a walk that evening...I can't remember. I actually can't remember what I did all day (the 30th). That night, I wanted Joel to get as much rest as he could. I settled into the rocking chair downstairs and again tried to sleep between contractions...around midnight, I called my midwife. I was so frustrated that I'd been having contractions for almost 24 hours and they were still far apart. I was tired and starting to wonder if my water had broken and I had missed it. She advised me to take some tylenol and some Benadryl and try to sleep...I was lucky enough to have two contractions that were 30 minutes and 40 minutes apart...that was the most sleep I got that night (and the night before...and the following night)...The pain of the contractions varied. Sometimes I could easily relax through them...other times, I was almost beside myself with pain. There was no position that was comfortable. Standing, laying, sitting, leaning, etc. Everything HURT. Again, the pain of contractions is such an interesting pain. So hard to describe.
The next morning (the 1st), my contractions were 10 minutes apart, so I had Joel stay home from work. He was so great. He tried massaging me, helping me walk and he was just a great support person to have while I was going through this. I had a pretty positive, relaxed attitude the entire time. I knew there was nothing I could do to rush things (and i didn't want to rush anything). I wasn't even that frustrated with the lack of sleep. As the day progressed, things FINALLY got closer together. We took a bath, which was nice...but I actually can't remember if it helped. I barely even remember that we took one! Funny how my memory is so faded already!! Things got closer and closer and I knew it was about time to go. Joel packed the car and got ready....but I was hesitant to go. I was SO SCARED that they would send me home. I didn't want to drive all the way there just to be turned away.
The car ride wasn't fun....but I was so focused that I didn't really notice the drive or the amount of time. It's like time didn't exist for three days. While my memory of alot of labor is totally faded, I vividly remember arriving at the hospital. As soon as I got out of the car, I started sobbing and shaking. When we checked in, there were two or three other pregnant women who were checking in. They were smiling and walking/standing on their own. I was hobbled over, leaning on Joel, sobbing. How were they so normal??? They sure didn't look like they were in labor! They took all of us ladies up to the delivery floor together (in wheel chairs, thank goodness). They checked me and I was dialated 6-7cm and 100% effaced. I was soooooo relieved!! There was NO way I was leaving that hospital! At this time, I was shaking pretty bad. I think the nurse thought I was in transition because she was working as fast as she could to get me all set up for the epidural and mentioned some things that made me think it might be too late for one!
Speaking of the epidural...When I first got to the delivery floor, they had me in their "spare" room because the room I would be in was getting cleaned still. Great. So, the nurse did what she could to prep me for my epidural. Once I got to my room, I was informed that the lab was running behind, and they couldn't do my epidural until my bloodwork came back...Great. FINALLY the blood work came in and the anesthesiologist arrived. At this point, my contractions were quite close together and I was in a lot of pain....but I was still able to relax and breath through most of them. That became much more challenging as I had to sit on the side of the bed, totally still, for the epidural. They had to try FOUR times to get the epidural in right! That meant 4 lidocaine shots and 4 seperate attempts at inserting whatever it is into my SPINE! EEK! I Was soooooo freaked out. And he kept hitting a nerve that sent electric shocks down my leg! OUCH! POor Joel. He said it was really hard to watch them poke huge needles into my spine. So anyways, they called in a second anesthesiologist and he was able to get it in...although, they only got it in about half as far as they're supposed to. They just hoped it wouldn't come out later. Um, me too!!!!
So, epidural was set. I was feeling great! Aaaah, sweeeeeet relief! Joel took a little nap...I tried, but I was still shaking like CRAZY! After a few hours (I have no idea how long or what time anything happened at. Again, time didn't exist for three days), the midwife checked me and I hadn't progressed, so they broke my water (or maybe they broke my water before the epidural?). After a few more hours (??), no progress, so they gave me pitocin. AFter a few hours, I started to feel pressure, but no need to push. They checked me and I was 10cm, 100% effaced. Since I didn't feel the urge to push, they let me relax for a while. Sometime around midnight (???), they came in and wanted me to try pushing. Blah. That sucked. I didn't feel like it was doing anything except clearing out my intestines and giving me a brain aneurism...In the middle of my pushing, the midwife and the nurse took their break. Great. Some annoying nurse came to fill in. She sucked. She had no confidence and provided no support/encouragment/anything! So, I stopped pushing for a while. Around this time, my epidural had stopped working in one specific spot. The Pain WAS HORRID. I'm convinced that his little shoulder was caught on some bone inside me. I wish I could think of a word to describe the pain of it. I couldn't MOVE. It wasn't just when I was having contractions. The pain was CONSTANT. It felt like it was just constantly knocking the breath out of me. The nurse and midwife came back (things around now are kind of blurry again)...I had had a fever for hours, my heart rate was high, Ben's heart rate was high...the midwife felt around and determined Ben was sideways...I was MISERABLE AND COULD NOT PUSH. So, they decided to call in the doctor to talk about options.
The doctor came in and the first thing he said was "that's a huge uterus" to the nurse and midwife. He wasn't exactly a charming fellow...I barely remember talking to the doctor. I'm pretty sure I wanted a C-section. I was freaked out about C-sections, but I was paralyzed by pain. The epidural had worn off enough that I was able to change positions and get on my hands and knees...although I was cussing and moaning and crying while they all forced me into that position. It. Was. Awful. I remember the doctor mentioning trying to use a vacuum to see if they could pull Ben out. I don't remember how we came to the conclusion of a C-section. But, once the decision was made, they acted FAST!! Thank Goodness.
They injected me with lots more epidural medicine (I was SO thankful that the epidural was working and hadn't come out!!). This time, the anesthesiologist was a woman and she was wonderful. She stood with me during the entire C-Section and was so calming! In the operating room, Joel was with me. I was STILL shaking like crazy. I don't remember much...I remember being scared, but also relieved that this was coming to an end. I also remember them listing off all the reasons for the C-section in their briefing session before they began. It was a long list and it made me glad that I was getting a C-section. Next thing I remember, they pulled Ben out. It was the weirdest feeling, and I threw up. So, my first sight of Ben was as I was turning my head to the side, throwing up. I remember hearing him scream, so that was good! I also remember thinking that his hands looked huge! As soon as they pulled him out, everyone was saying how big he was! The doctor also said that my birth canal was small and that there was no way he was coming out naturally.
....He also said I was the most miserable in-labor person he'd seen in a very long time (at that point, he was being somewhat nice).
Ok, so that's the story up until Ben was actually born. I'll have to write the rest later :)
My labor started on April 30th, around 1:30 in the morning. There was no warning...I was just woken up by oh-so-painful contractions. They started out 30 minutes apart and stayed that way for quite some time. It's interesting...the pain of contractions is unlike any other pain. Before labor started, I wondered if they would feel like extreme period cramps? A charlie Horse? I had no idea. It's impossible to describe what the pain feels like. But, as soon as they started, I knew! I layed in bed, trying to sleep in between contractions. When the contractions hit, I writhed around in bed and curled my toes...I tried my hardest to remember to breathe and relax. Whew. Not easy. I let Joel sleep.
That morning, I was still having contractions, but they were still 30 minutes apart. I had Joel go to work...I still wasn't sure if this was a false alarm since they weren't getting any closer together. Contractions continued all day. They gradually got closer. By that night, they were 10-15 minutes apart. I think Joel and I went for a walk that evening...I can't remember. I actually can't remember what I did all day (the 30th). That night, I wanted Joel to get as much rest as he could. I settled into the rocking chair downstairs and again tried to sleep between contractions...around midnight, I called my midwife. I was so frustrated that I'd been having contractions for almost 24 hours and they were still far apart. I was tired and starting to wonder if my water had broken and I had missed it. She advised me to take some tylenol and some Benadryl and try to sleep...I was lucky enough to have two contractions that were 30 minutes and 40 minutes apart...that was the most sleep I got that night (and the night before...and the following night)...The pain of the contractions varied. Sometimes I could easily relax through them...other times, I was almost beside myself with pain. There was no position that was comfortable. Standing, laying, sitting, leaning, etc. Everything HURT. Again, the pain of contractions is such an interesting pain. So hard to describe.
The next morning (the 1st), my contractions were 10 minutes apart, so I had Joel stay home from work. He was so great. He tried massaging me, helping me walk and he was just a great support person to have while I was going through this. I had a pretty positive, relaxed attitude the entire time. I knew there was nothing I could do to rush things (and i didn't want to rush anything). I wasn't even that frustrated with the lack of sleep. As the day progressed, things FINALLY got closer together. We took a bath, which was nice...but I actually can't remember if it helped. I barely even remember that we took one! Funny how my memory is so faded already!! Things got closer and closer and I knew it was about time to go. Joel packed the car and got ready....but I was hesitant to go. I was SO SCARED that they would send me home. I didn't want to drive all the way there just to be turned away.
The car ride wasn't fun....but I was so focused that I didn't really notice the drive or the amount of time. It's like time didn't exist for three days. While my memory of alot of labor is totally faded, I vividly remember arriving at the hospital. As soon as I got out of the car, I started sobbing and shaking. When we checked in, there were two or three other pregnant women who were checking in. They were smiling and walking/standing on their own. I was hobbled over, leaning on Joel, sobbing. How were they so normal??? They sure didn't look like they were in labor! They took all of us ladies up to the delivery floor together (in wheel chairs, thank goodness). They checked me and I was dialated 6-7cm and 100% effaced. I was soooooo relieved!! There was NO way I was leaving that hospital! At this time, I was shaking pretty bad. I think the nurse thought I was in transition because she was working as fast as she could to get me all set up for the epidural and mentioned some things that made me think it might be too late for one!
Speaking of the epidural...When I first got to the delivery floor, they had me in their "spare" room because the room I would be in was getting cleaned still. Great. So, the nurse did what she could to prep me for my epidural. Once I got to my room, I was informed that the lab was running behind, and they couldn't do my epidural until my bloodwork came back...Great. FINALLY the blood work came in and the anesthesiologist arrived. At this point, my contractions were quite close together and I was in a lot of pain....but I was still able to relax and breath through most of them. That became much more challenging as I had to sit on the side of the bed, totally still, for the epidural. They had to try FOUR times to get the epidural in right! That meant 4 lidocaine shots and 4 seperate attempts at inserting whatever it is into my SPINE! EEK! I Was soooooo freaked out. And he kept hitting a nerve that sent electric shocks down my leg! OUCH! POor Joel. He said it was really hard to watch them poke huge needles into my spine. So anyways, they called in a second anesthesiologist and he was able to get it in...although, they only got it in about half as far as they're supposed to. They just hoped it wouldn't come out later. Um, me too!!!!
So, epidural was set. I was feeling great! Aaaah, sweeeeeet relief! Joel took a little nap...I tried, but I was still shaking like CRAZY! After a few hours (I have no idea how long or what time anything happened at. Again, time didn't exist for three days), the midwife checked me and I hadn't progressed, so they broke my water (or maybe they broke my water before the epidural?). After a few more hours (??), no progress, so they gave me pitocin. AFter a few hours, I started to feel pressure, but no need to push. They checked me and I was 10cm, 100% effaced. Since I didn't feel the urge to push, they let me relax for a while. Sometime around midnight (???), they came in and wanted me to try pushing. Blah. That sucked. I didn't feel like it was doing anything except clearing out my intestines and giving me a brain aneurism...In the middle of my pushing, the midwife and the nurse took their break. Great. Some annoying nurse came to fill in. She sucked. She had no confidence and provided no support/encouragment/anything! So, I stopped pushing for a while. Around this time, my epidural had stopped working in one specific spot. The Pain WAS HORRID. I'm convinced that his little shoulder was caught on some bone inside me. I wish I could think of a word to describe the pain of it. I couldn't MOVE. It wasn't just when I was having contractions. The pain was CONSTANT. It felt like it was just constantly knocking the breath out of me. The nurse and midwife came back (things around now are kind of blurry again)...I had had a fever for hours, my heart rate was high, Ben's heart rate was high...the midwife felt around and determined Ben was sideways...I was MISERABLE AND COULD NOT PUSH. So, they decided to call in the doctor to talk about options.
The doctor came in and the first thing he said was "that's a huge uterus" to the nurse and midwife. He wasn't exactly a charming fellow...I barely remember talking to the doctor. I'm pretty sure I wanted a C-section. I was freaked out about C-sections, but I was paralyzed by pain. The epidural had worn off enough that I was able to change positions and get on my hands and knees...although I was cussing and moaning and crying while they all forced me into that position. It. Was. Awful. I remember the doctor mentioning trying to use a vacuum to see if they could pull Ben out. I don't remember how we came to the conclusion of a C-section. But, once the decision was made, they acted FAST!! Thank Goodness.
They injected me with lots more epidural medicine (I was SO thankful that the epidural was working and hadn't come out!!). This time, the anesthesiologist was a woman and she was wonderful. She stood with me during the entire C-Section and was so calming! In the operating room, Joel was with me. I was STILL shaking like crazy. I don't remember much...I remember being scared, but also relieved that this was coming to an end. I also remember them listing off all the reasons for the C-section in their briefing session before they began. It was a long list and it made me glad that I was getting a C-section. Next thing I remember, they pulled Ben out. It was the weirdest feeling, and I threw up. So, my first sight of Ben was as I was turning my head to the side, throwing up. I remember hearing him scream, so that was good! I also remember thinking that his hands looked huge! As soon as they pulled him out, everyone was saying how big he was! The doctor also said that my birth canal was small and that there was no way he was coming out naturally.
....He also said I was the most miserable in-labor person he'd seen in a very long time (at that point, he was being somewhat nice).
Ok, so that's the story up until Ben was actually born. I'll have to write the rest later :)
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
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